A 30-year veteran Marriage Family and Child therapist, mother of five, and grandmother of 10, Lorraine Al-Jamie helps parents to acquire skills that enhance their ability to raise high-functioning and happy children.
Establishing Relationships
THE building of relationships depends on building common interests. This process begins at birth, and you can observe it when mothers and fathers hold their newborns and echo the sounds that their newborns make. For their parents, everything young babies do is fascinating and this makes the task easier. Whether it is just seeing them yawn for the first time, or their first sneeze, each new thing provides a new shared experience. However, as they get older they sometimes become interested in things that are meaningless to us: for instance, mom will have little interest in the toy truck her little boy is pushing around. However, at that age the mother is still captivated by the child’s enjoyment and, therefore, remains present and sometimes involved. But I think we have all experienced a situation in which we, lost in our own thoughts, have struggled to pay attention to our child while he tugs our clothes saying, “Mommy” or “Daddy.” However, if we do make the effort to engage with our children, there is much satisfaction to be had in the interaction.
Let’s talk about a few examples of children of different ages, starting with the youngest. Mommy and the truck is just one example. Another involves a daughter asking for daddy’s help to dress her dolls. He might take part for a while, but may be tempted to end the activity long before she is ready.
As they get older, children come home with stories of school or the playground. To them it is fascinating stuff, but many times we find ourselves listening with only one ear and answering with, “Hmmm” or “Uh-uh.” If you think they don’t pick up on that, you’re mistaken. The more assertive child will continue to vie for our full attention for a while, but even they will give up eventually. The less assertive child gives up very easily. What is the child’s feeling following that interaction? I expect there is disappointment, a feeling of insignificance and finally anger. This may well be one of the reasons that children act out.
It is so much easier for school-age children to do their homework if it is something they can talk about with a parent. This does not mean that the parent does the homework, rather that, valuing the information that the child draws from the homework, the parent helps them to engage with it. From the time my children were in elementary school, I made the effort to read whatever books they were reading. This was not because I felt the need to monitor the information, but because I wanted to be able to share their experience. It gave us something in common to talk about and a frame of reference that we shared.
As children get into their teens, initiating a true interest in their lives may be perceived as intrusiveness. However, it is much easier for them to see it as a continued interest if they continually experienced such interest throughout their childhood. Music is one area in which parents and children may have very different tastes, and we are required as parents to at least make an effort to expose ourselves to what they find enthralling.
Even as our children are growing into adulthood and separating from us, we can continue to maintain close relationships by developing common interests. There are times when our children will be interested in things we would never think of exploring. However, often we should make the effort to stay engaged with what captures their interests. For instance, if mom likes to spend Sundays with her adult children, then she may have to learn how to appreciate football.
What is to be gained by making the effort to fully engage in our children’s interests? A closer relationship and exposure to new things that we can learn to enjoy as well. tj
