The challenge of communicating with and disciplining children is something all parents must address. It is important that parents be on the same page as their children, otherwise they could become confused. How we address children heavily depends on their age, their ability to understand language, and their order of birth.

The oldest child has the advantage of having all of his or her parents’ attention in the beginning. Oldest children can be addressed directly without parents being distracted by other children. However, they lack a positive role model and the opportunity to watch and learn from somebody else on how to interact with their parents.

When there is more than one child, they notice how their parents interact and discipline their older or younger siblings. As parents, we are aware of this because children often try and challenge us. When one child is given more privileges, the other children protest and we often hear the phrase, “It’s not fair!” To answer that phrase, we need to make time available to discuss the differences so that the discussion promotes the idea that a child obeys in the moment and can ask to talk about it later. It is tempting — but always a mistake — to get drawn into a conversation with a child of any age about fairness. You could say something to the effect of, “It seems unfair, I know, but I have to take into account that you are two very different people. You have your strengths and weaknesses, and your sister has her own strengths and weaknesses.”

The complete article can be found in Issue #277 of the Tokyo Journal. Click here to order from Amazon.