Clear signals are easy to follow. Just as with traffic lights, we know when to stop and when to go. We obey the rules. Otherwise, there is the risk of undesirable consequences. Imagine if it was as easy as this when it came to flirting and courtship. What if we had clear guidelines for what’s okay and when it’s wanted? That would clear up many bumps and complications. What a relief for all parties.

It is easy to set boundaries when the rules are clear. If a driver runs a red light, you yell, “Stop!” from the passenger seat. You don’t even need to consider if you’re being rude, or what the other person will think of you. Red means red. That’s completely different from when we consider saying no to flirting or to a sexual advance. Where is the proper boundary? What will he or she think of me if I say no? Is it too early? Will it upset them? Should I endure this? Do I want it? Maybe I like a little flirting but not more than that? Suddenly we are in a world full of variables. Add some cultural considerations and differences into the mix, and the scene becomes a minefield. Communication can easily crash and boundaries get violated. Undesirable consequences no doubt will be the outcome. Another side is that it also diminishes joy. The flow of desired flirtation and courtship becomes a zone of worry. What is effortless becomes so full of effort.

What makes it so difficult? Someone is making a move towards someone. The other can choose to say or signal no. It should not feel offensive or forced. Sadly, we all know this is far from easy. Flirtation or sexual advances can feel welcome or not so welcome.

The complete article can be found in Issue #277 of the Tokyo Journal. Click here to order from Amazon.